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A WEB SITE OF NONSENSE, INCLUDING
WHIZDUMBS, CLEVERISMS AND STUPIDISMS

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LOUIS DVORETZKY, AUTHOR

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NOTE:  The books shown above are available through Amazon.com, JustBookz.com and SelfPublishing.com.  To order any of the books see menu, upper left. 
 
 
CLEVERISMS, STUPIDISMS
AND WHIZDUMBS
 
 
You may read these at your own risk or, if you prefer, at someone else's.
 
Jimmie James John Jones died at age 107 after a courageous battle with a trouble-free life.
 
*^%
 
Are you so selfish that you don't eat breakfast for your spouse?
 
+*
Advice Dept.
Before getting out of bed in the AM don't forget to wake up.
 
Before thinking, put your brain in gear, but preferably not in reverse.
 
****
 
"The sun is shining."
"That's nothing -- so are my shoes."
 
~**~
 
After disputing the facts, you might want to undispute them to see if anything changed.
 
***
 
Please don't forget to remind us of the things you can't think of.
 
&%
 
If you want to punch holes in something, do it right and give it your awl.
 
$@%
 
The following are excerpts from my books Oxygenated Morons and Sobering Inebriation:
 
If you have health problems don't worry about medical conditions - worry about the health problems. On second thought, don't worry about the health problems, because worry is not good for your health and may lead to medical conditions.
 
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Before reading this sentence, give your mind a chance to use better judgment.
 
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Vehicles that don't get good mileage may be stopped by highway patroleum officers.
 
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I learned to avoid investment stampedes ever since my broker gave me a bum steer.
 
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Flu shots may not be available until they arrive, so be patient. If you're patient enough you may not get one at all.

 
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People who do dumb things infrequently will often do them irregularly at randumb. Although this seldumb occurs, it usually does happen all the time.
 
************
 
Headline: "Church under fire for drug money remark."

Comment: The fire burned down the remark, the money and the drug, leaving the church intact, because fire wasn't under the church --- the church was under fire.

 

                              ************             

 

Everyone knows I never make misnakes. According to my nephew Toban, "one should never be bitten by misnakes. Or Mr. Nakes, either." He also says that "The moral of the Trojan Horse story is less "beware of Greeks bearing gifts" than "beware of gifts bearing Greeks."   

        

                                        

                             

One may keep forgetting things left and right, but this doesn't include belly buttons, because most of them are in the middle, though I'm not sure about yours.
 
************
 

Headline: "Activists collide over Proposition 2."

Comment:  After colliding, they were so battered and bruised they needed medical attention and couldn't discuss it any more.

 

************

 

My financial advisor thinks I'm about to go under, and he's right, because I'm a scuba diver. 

 

************

 

ACCORDING TO POLLS TAKEN BY POLES AT THE NORTH POLE, SOME OF THEM VOTED AT THE SOUTH POLE. THIS WILL BE REPORTED OVER WIRES ATTACHED TO TELEPHONE POLES.

 

************

 

The dental appointment was originally scheduled for November two-th, but it was pushed back to the molar area of the calendar.

 

************

 

My wife went out to get something from a source. This is called outsourcing.  

                          

************ 

        

Some time ago a group of breakfasts got together to talk thingsover. Now you know how breakfast meetings got started.

 

************

 

Q. What's an oxhead moron?

A. A hunting trophy with built-in contradictions, because, as everyone knows, oxheads are intelligent.

 

************

 

Q.  What's the difference between dry eyes and dry ice?"

A. "No difference: Neither one blinks enough, sheds tears or causes anyone to cry. Furthermore, you are not as dumb as I thought you were, but be careful."

 

                                               Scratching                          

                                 

The problem with skunks is that they don't always smell good.  Do you think something's wrong with their noses?

 

                                  ************

 

Q. What's wrong with leaving a merger door open?"

A. In the event of flooding, the merger could become submerged. This is OK for a merger of submarine companies, but that's about it."

 

                                        ************

 

"THE ATTENTION I GET FROM OTHERS IS SPOTTY, SO WHAT SHOULD I DO ABOUT IT?"

"GO TO BEST BUY AND GET AN ATTENTION SPOT REMOVER." 

                                         Pie In Face

 

Q. What good is going belly up?

A. It improves access to the belly button.

 

                                   ************

 

Latest finding: Couples who raise horses have a more stable marriage than  couples who raise pigs, skunks, possums, meeces, bedbugs and ticks.

 

 

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If you don't get a second chance to do something right on the third try, try for a fourth chance to get it right on the ninth. You're welcome.

  

************

 

"I run a race track for dogs to run on."

"Very impressive. I used to walk a dog, but now I dog walkers."

 

                             ************

 

IF YOU HAVE LEGAL TROUBLES IN MEXICO, SEE AN AVOCADO.

                                   

                                    ************

 

He who is self-sufficient is not as much of a burden or a strain on those who would not be there for him if he were.

                                                           

                           ************

 

In your current state of decapitation we don't advise you to beheaded anywhere. Better stay home.

                                      In The Garbage

 

Hurricanes will sometimes come ashore regardless of row vs. wade. The Supreme Court obviously still has a lot of work to do.

 

                                     ************

 

"The newspaper classifieds invites us to "place an ad 24 hours a day."

"Sorry, but we don't need 24 ads in one day. We don't even need one ad in 24 days.

 

                            ************

 Q. What kind of vitamin should you never take because it has a tendency to yank out all your teeth?

A. A multi-pull vitamin. 

 

************

 

PEOPLE WHO DEAL IN QUALITY INSECTS ON MOUNTAINTOPS MIGHT BENEFIT FROM A COURSE IN HIGH FINE ANTS.

 

                                            Whistle

 

Some people are so busy that all they have time for is accomplishing things. No wonder they never can get anything done.

 

                                   ************

 

Do you know any people who, because of dissatisfaction with where they are, are constantly taking leave of their senses?  

 

                                           $$$

 

We're trying to locate a bunch of nondescript individuals.  Would it help to give you a detailed nondescription of them?

 

                            ************

 

Fight procrastination by doing something now, even if it is to continue procrastinating. Just do it now!

 

                          ************

 

If you don't have time to mess around, mess in a straight line.

                              

                                    ************       

 

If you keep throwing up, you will develop such a reputation that your name will be in disrepuke.

 

                                     ************

                                                 

The principal cause of dizziness is living on an earth that revolves 24 hours a day. This, of course, wouldn't be the case if it revolved at night. (It's hard to beat clear thinking, right?)

 

                                     ************

"You're fulla bull."

"That's impossible – I'm a vegetarian."

 

                                     ************                 

 

"I walk on different sides of the street to even out the wear and tear on it."

"That makes sense."

"Too bad...I'm not supposed to make any sense."

 

                           period.comma

 

Q. When can you tell that a gnat and a hippopotamus are good friends?

A. When they shake hands.

 

                            ************

 

"The latest news does not bode well."

"For whom does it not bode well?"

"For bode of us."

 

                                    ************

 

No matter where you are, you might want to consider being sure that it's in some kind of a location.

 

                                    ************

 

When asked at the pearly gates what he did with his life on earth, a guy said he poured Scope and Listerine into a foul-smelling sewer openings. "What else did you do on earth," they asked. His reply: "You guys are never satisfied, are you?"

 

                                       ************

 

The question is, do you stand a chance of sitting down while being stood up?

                                     

                                        ************

 

Q. What's the next best thing to winning millions in the lottery?

A. Winning millions some other way.

 

                                     ************

 

An astronaut went into a bar on Mars and got drunk. This is the origin of the term "Mars Bars."

 

                                     ************

 

"Where are you from?"

"I'm from the heretofore but now I'm headed to the hitherto."

 

                                   *************

 

Instructions I received in a hospital: "Go down the hall and swang left."

 

                            ************

 

The only reason I'm not giving you a piece of my mind is that I'm trying to keep as much of it as possible.

 

                                    ************

 

People at loose ends need someone to tie the right knots.

 

 

                                    ************

 

 

 

To be frank, I'm not a hot dog.

 

                                    

                                    ************

 

The past tense of snack is snuck. Example: today you had a snack; yesterday you had a snuck.

 

                            ************

 

Q. Is it better to junp up and down with glee or glue?

A. Glue, because that way you can stick with it longer.

 

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From the Book Oxygenated Morons
Paper is a vital resource, so please don't write on it if there's any space left on the wall.
 
Forget what I said, unless you don't remember it. In that case don't forget it.
 
Loud shouting will be allowed only in the absence of noisy silence.
 
There is no solution for which a problem cannot be found and no problem which cannot be attacked in a calm state of hysteria.
 
It always pays to look on the bright side of things unless you forgot your sunglasses.
 
The alleged attacker allegedly attacked the alleged attackee, according to allegations made by the allegator.
 
I can't get used to things I'm accustomed to any more than I can put up with things I can tolerate.
 
Give me liberty or give me chocolate!
 
Sobering Inebriation
It doesn't hurt to be well if your health permits it.
 
Is tickling a person's fancy an invasion of privacy?
 
Q. What's the difference between epiglottis and any other kind of glottis?
A. The spelling.
 
Q. What do you call that new product that thwarts warts?
A. A wart thwarter.
 
"I like to watch hogs eat slop."
"That makes you a slop-eating hog watcher."
"That's right, and it's good, because everyone needs an occupation."
 
What do the following have in common: a meathead, a fathead, a dumbhead, a hardhead and a blockhead? Answer: They're all spelled differently.
 
Reviews of Oxygenated Morons
"Full of mental challenges, quirky thoughts, and slap-upside-the-head one-liners, this book would make for good bathroom reading."
 
"Louis Dvoretzky has compiled an interesting bit of reading that, taken in small doses, could possibly make one think, laugh, groan, smirk, acknowledge his wisdom...Well done!"
                                                            ---BookReview.com
 
"Holy mackerel --- what a work of genius!"
The author obviously skipped his distemper shot again this month, because this compilation is a masterpiece. Read it through like a book or open the pages at random -- you'll grin, chortle, guffaw, cackle out loud, and involuntarily send beverages shooting from your nose. This is perfect material for Masters of Ceremonies, stand-up or sit-down comics and anyone who enjoys laughing. It's great for coffee tables and bathroom reading too. Get it now or risk being cheated in the humor department."
                                              ---T'splat, Sugar Land, Texas
What's New?
Sobering Inebriation is available on Amazon.com. It has received an excellent review by BookReview.com and is also available on Selfpublishing.com and JustBookz.com.
Cerebral Fermentations has also received excellent feedback. For presentation on Squidoo.com, click on the following link:       http://www.squidoo.com/humor_and_entertainment/

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