CLEVERISMS, STUPIDISMS
AND WHIZDUMBS
You may read these at your own risk or, if you prefer,
at someone else's.
Jimmie James John Jones died at age 107 after
a courageous battle with a trouble-free life.
*^%
Are you so selfish that you don't eat breakfast for your spouse?
+*
Advice Dept.
Before getting out of bed in the AM don't forget
to wake up.
Before thinking, put your brain in gear, but preferably not in reverse.
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"The sun is shining."
"That's nothing -- so are my shoes."
~**~
After disputing the facts, you might want to undispute
them to see if anything changed.
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Please don't forget to remind us of the things you can't think of.
&%
If you want to punch holes in
something, do it right and give it your awl.
The following are excerpts from my books Oxygenated Morons
and Sobering Inebriation:
If you have health problems don't worry about medical
conditions - worry about the health problems. On second thought, don't worry about the health problems, because worry is not
good for your health and may lead to medical conditions.
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Before reading this sentence, give your mind a chance
to use better judgment.
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Vehicles that don't get good mileage
may be stopped by highway patroleum officers.
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CLICK TO SEE MORE WONDERS...
I
learned to avoid investment stampedes ever since my broker gave me a bum steer.
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Flu shots may not be available until
they arrive, so be patient. If you're patient enough you may not get one at all.
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People who do dumb things infrequently will often
do them irregularly at randumb. Although this seldumb occurs, it usually does happen all the time.
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Headline:
"Church under fire for drug money remark."
Comment: The fire burned down the remark, the money and the
drug, leaving the church intact, because fire wasn't under the church --- the church was under fire.
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Everyone knows I never make misnakes. According to my nephew Toban, "one should never be bitten by misnakes.
Or Mr. Nakes, either." He also says that "The moral of the Trojan Horse story is less "beware of Greeks bearing gifts" than
"beware of gifts bearing Greeks."
One may keep forgetting things left and right, but this doesn't
include belly buttons, because most of them are in the middle, though I'm not sure about yours.
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Headline:
"Activists collide over Proposition 2."
Comment: After colliding, they were so battered and bruised they needed medical attention and
couldn't discuss it any more.
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My financial
advisor thinks I'm about to go under, and he's right, because I'm a scuba diver.
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ACCORDING TO POLLS
TAKEN BY POLES AT THE NORTH POLE, SOME OF THEM VOTED AT THE SOUTH POLE. THIS WILL BE REPORTED OVER WIRES
ATTACHED TO TELEPHONE POLES.
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The dental appointment was originally scheduled
for November two-th, but it was pushed back to the molar area of the calendar.
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My wife went out to
get something from a source. This is called outsourcing.
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Some time ago a group of breakfasts got together to talk thingsover. Now you know how
breakfast meetings got started.
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Q. What's an oxhead moron?
A. A hunting trophy with built-in
contradictions, because, as everyone knows, oxheads are intelligent.
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Q. What's the difference between dry eyes
and dry ice?"
A. "No difference: Neither one
blinks enough, sheds tears or causes anyone to cry. Furthermore, you are not as dumb as I thought you were, but be careful."
The
problem with skunks is that they don't always smell good. Do you think something's wrong with their noses?
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Q.
What's wrong with leaving a merger door open?"
A.
In the event of flooding, the merger could become submerged. This is OK for a merger of submarine companies, but that's about
it."
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"THE ATTENTION I GET FROM OTHERS
IS SPOTTY, SO WHAT SHOULD I DO ABOUT IT?"
"GO TO BEST BUY AND GET AN ATTENTION
SPOT REMOVER."
Q. What good is going
belly up?
A. It improves access to
the belly button.
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Latest finding:
Couples who raise horses have a more stable marriage than couples who raise pigs,
skunks, possums, meeces, bedbugs and ticks.
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If you don't get a second chance to do something
right on the third try, try for a fourth chance to get it right on the ninth. You're welcome.
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"I run a
race track for dogs to run on."
"Very impressive.
I used to walk a dog, but now I dog walkers."
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IF YOU HAVE LEGAL TROUBLES IN MEXICO, SEE AN AVOCADO.
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He who is self-sufficient is
not as much of a burden or a strain on those who would not be there for him if he were.
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In
your current state of decapitation we don't advise you to beheaded anywhere. Better stay home.
Hurricanes will sometimes come
ashore regardless of row vs. wade. The Supreme Court obviously still has a lot of work to do.
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"The newspaper classifieds invites us to "place an ad 24 hours a day."
"Sorry, but we don't need 24 ads in one day. We don't even need one ad in 24 days.
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Q.
What kind of vitamin should you never take because it has a tendency to yank out all your teeth?
A. A multi-pull vitamin.
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PEOPLE WHO DEAL IN QUALITY INSECTS ON MOUNTAINTOPS
MIGHT BENEFIT FROM A COURSE IN HIGH FINE ANTS.
Some people are so busy that all they have time for is accomplishing things. No wonder they never can get anything
done.
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Do you know any people who, because
of dissatisfaction with where they are, are constantly taking leave of their senses?
$$$
We're trying to locate a bunch of nondescript individuals. Would
it help to give you a detailed nondescription of them?
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Fight procrastination by doing
something now, even if it is to continue procrastinating. Just do it now!
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If
you don't have time to mess around, mess in a straight line.
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If you keep throwing up, you will
develop such a reputation that your name will be in disrepuke.
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The principal cause of dizziness is living on an earth that revolves 24 hours a day. This, of course, wouldn't be the
case if it revolved at night. (It's hard to beat clear thinking, right?)
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"You're fulla bull."
"That's impossible – I'm
a vegetarian."
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"I walk on different sides of the street to even out the wear and tear on it."
"That makes sense."
"Too bad...I'm not supposed to make any sense."
period.comma
Q.
When can you tell that a gnat and a hippopotamus are good friends?
A.
When they shake hands.
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"The latest news does not bode
well."
"For whom does it not bode well?"
"For bode of us."
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No matter where you are, you might want to consider being sure that it's in some kind of a location.
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When asked at the pearly gates
what he did with his life on earth, a guy said he poured Scope and Listerine into a foul-smelling sewer openings. "What else
did you do on earth," they asked. His reply: "You guys are never satisfied, are you?"
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The
question is, do you stand a chance of sitting down while being stood up?
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Q. What's the next best thing to winning millions in the lottery?
A. Winning millions some other way.
The past tense of snack is snuck. Example:
today you had a snack; yesterday you had a snuck.
